Love Love, Kiss Kiss, Blah Blah Blah

Notes from a single gal's life:

* Being single is kind of liberating
* Worrying about myself is usually enough to worry about
* There is freedom in flying solo confidently
* 3rd, and sometimes 9th, wheel status isn't as bad as it sounds when you have fun friends
* Random flirting is a nice ego-boost
* Options are tasty (that sounds gross, I just mean having them is appealing)
* Dreams are easier to pursue when you can do it 100% your way
* No matter what, my heart will always long to love
* No matter what, those dreams pursued will always be sweeter if chased with someone
* No matter what, I'd give up selfish freedom for a genuine, selfless love -- any day

I'm not a member of the "need to get love to get by" club (because I'm pretty sure I just made that up), but I can't help but believe that all the wonderful things about being single can be matched or replaced when you meet the right person. The person who complements you, the person whose life is in-line with yours, the person whose dreams are mirror images of yours. The person who sees you and says "She is everything I've prayed for", and you say "He is everything I've prayed for." The person you can truly say, without hesitation, the Lord matched you with.

I'd be lying if I said finding that person didn't scare me. It scares me for a couple of reasons. There's a fear that I'll keep going about my life and one day realize I never found them. The other is the fear of thinking you're in the arms of that person, then falling flat on your face. I'm so afraid of feeling that again. How can you ever really trust someone enough to spend the rest of your life with them? How do you ever really know it's for real? How can you trust someone to not screw with your heart, enough to let them have it forever? How can you trust yourself, that you're being completely observant and honest and seeing all the red flags? How can you be sure you're not making a mistake? Finding a partner is a big deal. Is it complicated? Is it easy? Is it different for everyone? Should I even care? :)

I don't have a long track record of relationships, only 2 official ones to speak of 5 years apart and a few handfuls of dates and flirting in between, because sometimes I think it's really good to be alone. I think it's healthy, depending on what you do with that time alone. So I've been trying to use my time productively, though I'm not the greatest at it, I'm still trying. I'm doing my best to study myself, to understand myself: what are my strengths, my weaknesses, what makes me tick, what attracts me, what mistakes have I made and why did I make them, what do I need to do to be sure I don't make them again. Some of the things I've learned have made me feel really screwed up :) But others have allowed me to see the progress I am making in life, and feel really proud of the person I've become (and continue to become).

I can't help but feel really ready to find that person I've been speaking of (the "one" so to speak), yet really unsure at the same time. Sometimes I feel as though God won't bring him into my life until I have 100% of my stuff together, though if that were the case I will most likely never have the pleasure of meeting him! All I figure is he must be pretty freakin' fantastic. I've always believed that I wouldn't want to require more of the person I marry than I require of myself, so maybe we've both just needed a little more time to work on ourselves so that we can be our strongest together. If that's the case, then it will be worth this wait. The tears, the heartache, the empty dreams, he'll be worth it.

By the way, a little off the subject but speaking of the future, I found a school that has me envisioning it in a completely new and exciting way. It all started on my parents home computer when I was 14, goofing off and manipulating pics, which led me to a graphics class my senior year of hs, and finally now (after 10 years) to a two year Graphic Design and Photography degree in Santa Barbara. Here, take a looksy:













































I'm still praying about whether or not that's the place for me, but I think once the guts are worked up enough to seriously talk about it with the parental units it'll pretty much be a done deal. So pray for me about that, I could use it :)

So to end these Notes from a single gal's life:
* Ultimately, God is in control. He is ultimately the lover of my heart, ultimately the only one worthy of being desired by me, the only one I need. Asking for anything more would be selfish.
...So I might have to be a little stubborn on this one.