Why Do I Like Goofy White Guys?

Peyton Manning's kind of funny, and I have a little crush on him :)

Saturday Night Live - United Way



New Peyton Manning World MasterCard Commercial



And while this kid's face sort of reminds me of someone I'd rather forget, his body is ridiculous, and I kind of like:



Oh my! Okay, I'm done. Now I'm going to bed!

Writing Poetry

I hadn't written a poem in over a year, and then a few months ago I started jotting down ideas and feelings in a journal. Today I came across that journal again, and I actually still kind of liked what I wrote. So I thought I'd share them with you. Fair warning, though, they're kind of sad. I need to learn to write when I'm happy too :)

“Lament (If Only He Knew)”

The rhythmic pounding of my heart

once gently calling out a name

that brought me comfort, that drove me crazy,

that wanted me,

now afflicting me with each cruel beat.

Wishing it would cease for just one moment,

I’m suffocating.

I’m longing to breathe, to be free

from your insensitive touch.

If only you knew the pain you’ve caused,

the doubt you’ve created,

the softened heart you tore open.

If only you cared.

Your chest would tighten with pressure,

every warm pulse rushing through your body

would remind you of the girl you once loved,

the girl you broke so willingly.

She would stay with you.

Her soft touch, her deep sincerity, would haunt you.

Your face would crash into your hardened hands

with shame, and you would break.

Your sorrow would be my recovery,

my vindication.

If only.

(joanna lynn)

“Unforgivable”

Fingertips moving ever so gently,

across her skin passion traced every curve.

Your heart enveloped hers, as your words took hold

meeting the air she breathed.

Chemistry sparked thoughts of forever,

getting lost in a haze circling dreams of forever.

Your lips pressed against pieces unmatched,

submissively giving and taking in.

Two bodies broken, divided and undone,

came together with forceful vulnerability.

Intensity held down arms stretched above,

tenderly accepting every inch of perfect imperfection.

She was lost in the rush of a moment,

your touch calming the shake of her legs

as your eyes settled on hers.

A moment once strongly held onto,

now torturing silent nights,

now hurting a heart once free.

Shamelessly walking away without regret or reason,

you left behind the one that felt you deepest,

without regret or reason.

Selfless and purely her heart reached for yours,

standing peacefully near your chaos asking for nothing.

A fleeting sensation, a passing current,

a moment given in confidence coldly broken.

Time promising memories to be replaced,

yet never to be forgotten.

Guarded against softly moving fingertips,

her tenderness readily letting go of the pain,

your callous doing.

(joanna lynn)

"Going to the Chapel..."

So last week I saw a dream, a vision of mine, standing right before my eyes. It was even more amazing and more beautiful than I had pictured. I was never the kind of girl who had these big dreams about her wedding day or planned every detail of it, but after my second sister's wedding a couple of years ago I sort of got to thinking about my own someday. I thought it would be nice to get married in a church, and for some reason I imagined a chapel-ish church with vaulted wood ceilings, wood pews, and stain glass windows. I'd never seen it before in person, but I saw it as clear as reality in my head. This beautiful church, multiplied by ten, is what I saw last week in Los Olivos, California. It is grand yet cozy, and for some silly reason it took my breath away and made me want to dance. Silly, ofcourse, because it's just a church...

Although it is just a church, it made me think about how real our dreams and desires can be. It made me think that if something as small and simple as the church I saw myself getting married in exists, then maybe the man I see myself marrying exists too. I don't expect him to be some fairytale, or perfection in anyway, but to be someone that fits me. I found this description of what one woman called her "dream man", and I would have to say it's mine too:

“You’re soft enough to hold me
And
Strong enough to let me roam
You’re patient enough to get to know me
And
Independent enough to live on your own
You’re man enough to know what love is
And
Boyish enough to make me smile
You’re old enough to understand life
And
Open enough to laugh at it all the while
You’re rich enough to know what really matters
And
Free from work enough to have a good time
You’re passionate enough to really enjoy kissing
And
Connected enough to know that making love is divine
You’re romantic enough to court me
And
Sweet enough to bring me flowers
You’re clever enough to get me thinking
And
Funny enough that together we laugh for hours
You’re aware enough to know your own feelings
And
Contemplative enough to share them with me
You’re honest enough to live with honor
And
Candid enough to know what the consequences of lying will be
You’re instinctive enough to read these words
And
See, that the qualities I desire in you are the same ones you see in me”

What I want to find is something so much more than just a feeling. I'm not looking for eternal butterflies in my stomach, or to dance on cloud nine removed from the realities of day to day life. I want a real life person, someone willing to put time and effort and hard work into his relationships because he understands they need it to grow. I don't want someone who makes me want to be a better person, but someone who I feel free to be the best me around. I want someone with a great heart.

The older I get and the more I do, the more I wish he were standing beside me celebrating my successes and crying over my letdowns. But I don't want just anybody standing beside me. I'm not so eager to be a part of a couple that I won't take the time to find the right one, because I don't fall into feelings that easily. Though I get lonely without him, I have a lot to do and things to accomplish to keep my life fulfilling. I know that life doesn't begin just because I find someone to love. I think that meeting him, getting to know him, falling in love with him, and spending my life with him will only add to the fulfillment I'm already finding on my own (though I think a life without him would never be the same).

So that's where a beautiful church in Los Olivos led me :) I'm tired for the night, and daunted by a 6:30am alarm clock, so I'll end this here blog for now. Goodnight!

Hospital News & Drinking Solo

I'm already having trouble remembering to write '09 when I'm dating things, crazy how 365 days of doing something one way can stick with you...

This New Years turned out a little different than ones before. We had a little bit of a scare on new years eve when my sister had to take my nephew to the hospital for a fever he'd been running for a few days. I was with my mom when we found out, and both of our hearts sank. Just at the beginning of the week my 80-something-year-old grandpa overdosed on some of his alzheimer's medicine and was taken to the emergency room, so our emotions were a little on edge already. Fortunately, both my grandpa and my nephew were ultimately ok and sent home within a day or two. Not exactly the way you'd hope to bring in a brand new year (especially for my sister and brother -- sitting next to their son in a hospital bed). But it does make you realize once again how fragile and unpredictable life is. There's no guarantee that we or the ones we love will be here tomorrow...it's kind of a scary thought, but a strong reminder to live every moment to the fullest and stay close to the people that mean the most to you (and be sure they know how much they mean to you).

For New Years festivities a couple of people from work invited me to their parties, and I thoughtfully considered it before deciding I wanted to have a calm holiday. My thoughtful consideration took me back 4 years: First year I really tried the whole crowd-of-people-party-thing, I went to a club with my sister and her then boyfriend for some good ol' third-wheel fun. I soon realized parties were just an excuse for horny guys to drink and seek out single girls to creep out (weirdos in cowboy hats dancing to Daddy Yankee "Gasolina"...I cringe at the memory :). Other New Years around that time were mildly disappointing (me crushing or wanting to crush, dreaming of midnight kisses) or they were just plain boring.

So I resolved this time to not build up a night that is ultimately just a night, to not expect anything but to simply enjoy myself. This led me to make plans with my sister (and her now husband)-- we planned to watch movies, play games, and drink shots, oh yeah! When the news came in that they were at the hospital with my poor 19 month old nephew, the only thing I was concerned about was that he was ok. So I spent the night at home, praying, and watching movies and drinking from the comfort of my ridiculously comfortable bed. By the way, I tried my first Mojito and after one sip my ears and cheeks became warm and rosy (I think I might be a lightweight...). This was the first year I spent new years alone, and while years ago I would have been pissed that nothing special happened, I actually really enjoyed myself. I'm finding a place in life where I genuinely feel comfortable, and I realize I don't need to be in love or surrounded by a group of people to feel happy about myself. I think I'm pretty good company :)

Although, if God wants to give me someone wonderful to kiss next year, I won't be angry about it in the least.